twentytwo.

hey blog, i kinda miss you (: i don't write a lot because well i've honestly been really busy. between school, church and my friends i've been really busy. lately i've found that drama aimed toward me or around me hasn't been effecting me at all. if all this was happening last week or more like the week before, i'd be a wreck. girls group has been working so much, in the past weeks i've been learning how to control my anger, the difference between venting and gossiping, and ways to just love people. i remember in the beginning of ninth grade when i was deeply in love with God, aka the best time of my life. and you're not alone i want those happy times back too. in order for me to get that happy time back in my life where i thought everyone had some good in them, i loved everyone, i judged no one, and surprisingly i was so happy. i miss those times. i miss when i could walk through the halls and look at everyone with a smile, when i didn't think anyone was a poser, when i didn't get mad when people lied, i only got sad but i forgave them instantly. God... those were the best of days. when was it that i got lost in the middle of the chaos? tanner? you're not alone i left God for a boy too. but i broke that boy's heart, not any other way, and that still to this day kills me.

and here i sit, knowing that i'll never be worthy of his everlasting love, but i'm laughing at the days that i truly believed that i was alone. i was never alone, and i would never be alone it just felt that way because i didn't look at God. what the hell was i thinking?! -headpalm- now as i'm starting to love people more, and as i'm getting right with my creator things are just falling into place, and i can not tell you how good that feels. but oh my goodness, it is probably the hardest thing to do. love people that is. the only thing that really helps me not hate as much is the fact that i'm not perfect and neither is anyone else, so who am i to judge them? i am no one. haha i know there are going to be so many haters reading this like YEAH, YOU RIGHT, YOU AIN'T NOTHING. that makes me laugh (: but that's okay. it's so hard to look at people who hate me and say, "you know what. i don't hate you." like chrissy. yup i used her name because if she does read this, which she probably never will, i want her to know this is for her. i don't hate you. i'm sorry for any annoyance i've caused you, but if you ever read this know that i bet you're a really funny girl and really cool to hang out with, i wish you the best with your life.

anyway... um so yes, i've been getting better and i'm getting happier. it sucks that people hate me for my past actions but i can't change the past, only my out look on the future. i can't change the world, but i am changing my perspective of it. easy? hell no. worth it? yes. i think the hardest thing i have to do is break my cursing habit. i've been trying to catch myself but dang it's hard. i can't wait for june28. wildwood baby! that is going to be the best youth trip ever, changed my life last year. uhhh i have extra pamphlets if anyone wants to come. blah blah blah. sorry for the whole Jesus rant but this is my blog and i'll write what i want to.